SELF DOUBT!!

Understanding The Past

I don't think you need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that our past can affect our future, but I can tell you that I definitely haven't done a damn thing about it, until now. So many things in our life an be measured, but there isn't one that I can identify with on mental health. Example, 

Losing Weight: step on a scale

High blood pressure: take a blood pressure test

These are just a few. How do you concretely measure happiness, anxiety or the host of other mental aspects of your life? I don't know. 

Maybe this is why it's so easy to not do anything about it. 

I along with almost everyone in life have had bad shit happen to them. Almost losing me twins, my father dying and lastly a divorced really fucked me up mentally. When you're in the middle of it, I think I just ignored it. I was thinking this was part of the process. Then I "survived" but I kept thinking things were alright. 

A few failed relationships, blame it on "today's" dating culture. It wasn't until the past NYE that I had another failed relationship, but this was different. It was someone I cared about deeply. I'm still struggling. I think about her each and every day. It really sucks to put it bluntly, but at least it inspired change. 

I finally sat down and looked back at what happened. I started to realize there was a pattern in why these relationships were falling apart. It wasn't the "dating culture" it was me. 

Moving Forward

After realizing there was a "me" pattern. I decided to get some help from a therapist. I won't get into the details of what we discussed, but the short version is I've developed self doubt and a sense of losing someone. 

The results lead to pushing people away. Pushing them away was a mechanism to not get hurt and to reenforce the idea of "see, I knew they didn't want me or were going to leave". I was making my negative thoughts come to reality. Proving myself right. 

This last week, my therapist challenged me to come up with things that are positive qualities about myself. I drew an absolute blank. It's so much easier to tear yourself down than it is for me to build myself up. My therapist told me, I can rattle off 6 or 7 things just that I've seen since I've been going.

Obviously, I'm not there yet, but I will. I'm starting slow and trying to think of one positive thing about myself each day and start there. Rome wasn't built in a day and change is hard, but it must be done. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'll leave you with some photos that make me happy or where I felt confident and good about myself.